(In) rage - 2, 60" x 72" acrylic on canvas
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I don’t know about you, but the online space(s) have gotten to me recently - I feel exhausted, and I find myself sequestering, not engaging as much, or taking a step back.
In the interim, I’ve been questioning a lot of who I am and the masks that I’ve been wearing for my own sake and for others.
It’s been a battle everyday to sit down with myself and question every thought or decision based on an unbecoming or an unlearning of who I am, or who I thought I was.
In that questioning, I’ve been thinking about my own work lately too; the paintings I’ve been creating (like the one above) or the words I feel called to write.
Questioning why I’ve been called to see the visions I see and produce the work that I see in those visions. Asking myself (and my higher self) why I feel I must do such subversive work in the first place. To be so “out there”; to set myself up to be possibly misunderstood because sometimes even I don’t know why I’m called to paint or write the way that I do - I just know that the vision is what is to be created.
And as I thought on this idea this morning and questioned why I was being called to such great lengths of myself, I knew you felt this too.
Because for me, and I know for a lot of us, it always comes back to a question of comparing ourselves to others.
I kept asking...
Why? Why am I called to do this work and others get it (seemingly) easier?
If you’re part of my community, you’re in another place with yourself and your spirituality. You’ve come to know yourself and that mystical place within you that calls you and leads you towards the guiding self or guidance that it shares with you.
You know what it’s like to be called forward with an obscure gift or talent or with a path that does not resemble anyone else’s.
And as I sat with this question this morning and asked why - to myself and my guidance, I received the same answer:
Because it is the work that no one else would dare to do.
To dare to be too "out there".
Whatever it is you’re being called to do, that you too feel is too “out there” even for us on this spiritual path sometimes, know I feel this as well.
But isn’t it amazing and awe-inspiring to be called to such great lengths of ourselves?
How fantastical it is to be a process, and a part of a vision, that we do not belong to and that is not of us, but that we conclusively have access to creating.
Once I realized this and accepted that whatever work I am meant to put out there was not of me (or my ego) but from a higher source, radical acceptance for who I am and what I’m here to do has followed, along with a freedom within myself that I haven’t known for decades.
In Grace & Peace,
xx. T
PS - In light of my website being a mess currently while I’m updating it, please follow me on Instagram here to see more of my work and daily updates.